When I was a pre-teen, I didn’t have a lot of other girls like me to whom I could look up. I had role models, sure, but they weren’t my peers.
I idolized people like Louisa May Alcott and Maya Angelou, but idols is exactly what they were. They were women artists who I worshipped, not the sort of person with whom I could relate because we shared so many similar experiences and a worldview.
In my humble estimation, tweens all over the globe are much luckier than I ever was… because they have Tina Belcher. And the Tina Belcher quotes they hear are seriously hilarious.
If you have never watched Bob’s Burgers, two things: one, please rectify this. The second is that I need to explain to you that Tina Belcher is the tweenaged eldest daughter of Bob and Linda Belcher.
She’s a charming dork with pin-sized eyes that blink up at the world from behind Coke-bottle-thick glasses. She’s in the midst of a frenzied adolescence which means she feels everything very deeply — from zombies to unicorns, to the butts of the young men for whom she pines.
WATCH: Bob’s Burgers Top 10 Funniest Tina Belcher Moments
I remember being 12 and then 13 and being homely and awkward and full of sexual feelings I couldn’t express yet. But every book about young adults experiencing love or lust that I read featured some stunning lanky chick with perfect breasts and no zits.
The first time I was introduced to Tina Belcher, it was like meeting a close friend from back in the day. It was also a little bit like seeing myself. Tina Belcher is the awkward tween we all relate to but with the insight and wisdom of someone who’s been around the block. She’s confident, silly, unafraid to express her sexual desires, and utterly herself.
To celebrate this saucy minx, here are 23 of the greatest Tina Belcher quotes.
1. “My heart just pooped its pants.”
A more profound expression of heartbreak has never been uttered.
2. “We can make this work. We can work out a dating wheel, just like a chore wheel. Let’s put the ‘tri’ in triangle.”
She’s not even an adult and she gets polyamory!
3. “Time for the charm bomb to explode.”
I would kill for this level of confidence.