40 Best Ron Swanson Quotes From Parks And Rec

Parks and Rec may have ended in 2015, but Ron Ulysses Swanson quotes remain a constant source of wisdom and relatability in these uncertain times. 

Though he is distant and hyper-masculine, Ron secretly harbors respect and care for those around them and is a great comic relief source. A breakfast aficionado, woodworking savant, avid fisherman, and secret jazz saxophonist, Ron has lived a full life. He has plenty of advice for the rest of us.

The Parks and Recreation department director in Pawnee has opinions on everything from America to skim-milk — his wisdom knows no bounds!

Best Ron Swanson Quotes

Buckle up, grab a whiskey, and get ready because they are splitting hilarious.

1. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.” —Ron Swanson

2. “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?” —Ron Swanson

3. “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.” —Ron Swanson

4. “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.” —Ron Swanson

5. “I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.” —Ron Swanson

6. “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.” —Ron Swanson

7. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.” —Ron Swanson

8. “I’m not interested in caring about people.” —Ron Swanson

9. “There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.” —Ron Swanson

10. “Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.” —Ron Swanson

11. “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.” —Ron Swanson

12. “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” —Ron Swanson

13. “There is only one bad word: taxes.” —Ron Swanson

14. “Friends: one to three is sufficient.” —Ron Swanson

15. “Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.” —Ron Swanson

16. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.” —Ron Swanson

17. “Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.” —Ron Swanson

18. “I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.” —Ron Swanson

19. “Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.” —Ron Swanson

20. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.” —Ron Swanson

21. “The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.” —Ron Swanson

22. “One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.” —Ron Swanson

23. “If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.” —Ron Swanson

24. ”Busy? Impossible. I work for the government.” —Ron Swanson

25. “I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.” —Ron Swanson

26. “Capitalism is the only way … It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.” —Ron Swanson

27. “I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins. There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.” —Ron Swanson

28. “Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.” —Ron Swanson

29. “I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.” —Ron Swanson

30. “Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.” —Ron Swanson

31. “Please talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles.” —Ron Swanson

32. “Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?” —Ron Swanson

33. “Say what you want about organized religion, but those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.” —Ron Swanson

34. “Sting like a bee, but do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.” —Ron Swanson

35. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.” —Ron Swanson

36. “You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’” —Ron Swanson

37. “It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.” —Ron Swanson

38. “America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.” —Ron Swanson

39. “Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.” —Ron Swanson

40. “I regret nothing. The end.” —Ron Swanson

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